Problematic Love Songs

To help keep yourselves right on Valentine's Day, here are some examples of problematic love songs that often hide in plain sight. Of course, if you choose to celebrate with music, hopefully your playlist has songs that are personal to you - but perhaps skip the following tracks if you stumble across them.

I have purposefully avoided anything that is too obviously just about lust, for example anything written by Kiss, the Blurred Lineses of the world, etc. and focussed on those that edge into love.

As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys

"I don't care who you are / Where you're from / What you did / As long as you love me."

Call me crazy, but doesn't that sound a bit impersonal? 

I'm pretty sure he's at least supposed to care about those things. The conversation would be pretty stunted if all he responds with is, "I don't care" while giving you a wistful, expectant look. 

Is it too late to get the food to go?

Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran

I am definitely biased here because many of Ed Sheeran's songs irritate me. That one bragging about driving 90mph down some old country lanes - that's just a road accident campaign waiting to happen. The patronising "Galway Girl" which Matt Hancock claims is his favourite, well, that's all we need to know.

Then we have Shape Of You. 

"Oh, I'm in love with your body

Every day discovering something brand new

I'm in love with the shape of you"

Imagine it - an electric moment between you and your lover, a slightly awkward silence, and for the first time they begin to say, "I'm in love with..."

Your heart stops in anticipation. But then it comes, "...the shape of you."  

The "shape" of you? Not...you?

Okay. Cool. Just the shape. Good to know where things stand.

Take a hike, Sheeran!

I Drove All Night by Roy Orbison

Originally written for Orbison but recorded first by Cyndi Lauper. I personally do like this song and hope it’s about spontaneous and mutual gestures. However, it does sound a bit dodgy in places.

"I drove all night / Crept in your room / Woke you from your sleep / To make love to you / Is that all right? I drove all night..."

He's asking "is that all right" after he's already shown up in your bedroom, unannounced in the middle of the night, specifically to have sex with you. You can almost hear him exclaim "ffs!" after the last "I drove all night", as if to add some guilt should you tell him that you're, y'know, sleeping. 

Given that we don't hear the other person's voice in this, it could be a restraining order waiting to happen if this isn't an already established dynamic in a firm relationship.

Did Roy invent the booty call? We'll never know.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith

At first, this seems like a nice sentiment, but only up to a point.

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing... I don't want to close my eyes / I don't want to fall asleep / Cos I'd miss you baby / And I don't want to miss a thing"

Well, let's hope he's not grumpy when he's tired, because he’s defiantly not going to sleep.

It's a little bit like saying "you will not have privacy or space because I'm going to be here at ALL TIMES of your life which I am watching like television in awe". Including monitoring your sleeping and breathing patterns, apparently. 

Who needs a FitBit when you can have Steve Tyler tracking your biometrics?

Every Move You Make by The Police

This is an obvious one that has been debunked many times over but it's too much of a classic not to mention. The reflective, yearning tones of the soft yet persistent double bass lead us into a... cul-de-sac, where Sting is waiting to bundle you into a car.

"Oh, can't you see / You belong to me / How my poor heart aches / With every step you take / Every move you make / Every vow you break / Every smile you fake / Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you"

Followed by a haunting refrain of, 

"Every single day / Every word you say / Every game you play / Every night you stay / I'll be watching you"

The key words here are "you belong to me" but also "every vow you break" - they've left him, possibly because of his possessive attitude and punishing songs, but we'll never know. He's not giving up though. 

This is a disturbing song largely due to the fact that it is often mistaken for a love ballad. It manipulates with its tones and we don't realise it until we actually double take. Is this actually a wise, symbolic bit of songwriting designed to warn us against toxic situations, or was he just spouting revenge? 

Don't call The Police, that's for sure.

Cheerleader by OMI

It is hard not to quote the whole song on this one. It seems to me that the overall tone is one of taking his girlfriend for granted, and how she should feel lucky because he hasn't cheated on her:

"Right there when I want her / All these other girls are tempting / But I'm empty when you're gone / And they say ... Do I make you feel like cheating? / And I'm like no, not really 'cause / Oh I think that I found myself a cheerleader / She is always right there when I need her"

They don't really make him feel like cheating - that's reassuring. 

This poor girl is giving him her all while he's weighing his options and referring to her only as a cheerleader, implying that he wants someone who will exclusively nod along with him and, as we hear later, "grant [his] wishes like a genie in a bottle". 

I suspect he's been watching too much I Dream of Genie.

Grenade by Bruno Mars

This fella is quite demanding, and here's why:

"Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash / You tossed it in the trash, you did / To give me all your love is all I ever ask / 'Cause what you don't understand is / I'd catch a grenade for ya / Throw my hand on a blade for ya / I'd jump in front of a train for ya / You know I'd do anything for ya"

Here we have some resentment for his partner not pledging to throw themselves in front of a grenade, blade or train for him. In what situation would they be in for this to happen, and is he going to stage one as a test?

Picture the scene - you're in a war torn country trying to avoid grenades and your partner decides to blow themselves up. Your trauma is now tenfold what it was before, you're probably laden with survival guilt and you have to negotiate the rest of this situation entirely alone. 

However, if Bruno takes the hit but still somehow survives that scenario, you just know he’s going to hold it over his partner’s head forever. “You’re not getting a Christmas present this year because I already took that grenade for you”, etc.

He goes on to say, 

"If my body was on fire / Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames / You said you loved me, you're a liar / 'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby"

What a guilt trip! There we have it then, the only way to prove your love is to catch an explosive or get in the way of some traffic. Only then will he trust you to use an extinguisher when he inevitably sets himself on fire, and you can live happily ever after with 999 on speed dial just in case he does it again.

Wait though, what happens after that? Doesn't matter, it was romantic.

________

So, my point is, don't get drawn in by a lovely melody if the lyrics are full of weird contractual demands. The majority of pre-made romance playlists seem to be full of songs that are much more gentle and grateful in sentiment, but sometimes it's revealing to take a closer look...

Honourable mention to Chris Martin promising “For you I’d bleed myself dry” in Coldplay’s Yellow - this really doesn’t seem necessary. For the love of god make sure you’re the same blood type first if this is a medical situation.